Useful Very Loud Mobile Phones

On the whole my life is fairly good and in spite of my advancing years I have few causes to grumble. Socially it's not perfect - two teenage children and a hostile ex-wife ensure that. Money is tight but there are definitely those worse off than me and to the many thousand better off than me, all I ask is that you indulge in a mad shopping spree on in order to better distribute your obscene wealth.

I am in reasonable health, although both my alcohol tolerance and hangover recovery are not what they used to be. I do have one major issue and that is my inability to manage a whole night's uninterrupted sleep. I have always been able to get to sleep but increasingly I wake up after a few hours and struggle to get back to the land of nod. I cannot recall the last time I had an eight-hour slumber. Six hours is now classed as a good night and anything over four is acceptable. If I get less than four hours sleep I reserve the right to be grumpy the following day. Last night I went bed just after eleven and as usual read for about half an hour before going to sleep. So let's start the sleep clock at 1130. Minimum requirement to not have a grumpy day is to remain comatose until at least 0330. With uncanny timing Bethan's phone exploded into life at 0329. I am now grumpy and intend to be so for the rest of the day. To compound the situation Bethan switched her phone off, rolled over and was back asleep by 0331. I did not even have time to ask who or what was behind the phone message. If my phone goes off at 0329 I expect it to be serious. Very serious. Unless someone is very ill, injured or dead there has been a gross overreaction. In fact in the event of death, it would be the decent thing to wait until morning as nothing more can be done, so I lay awake pondering what was so important as to justify a 0329 phone call. Three and a half hours later when the morning alarm went off and Bethan emerged from an endless sleep, I was put out of my misery when I learned that it was a message from Ross asking what we wanted from Pizza Express! Tonight we are going out with our ex-good friend Ross to Pizza Express to celebrate Rabs, his wife and our still good friend's birthday. Ross used to be one of the nicest people in the world. A man so nice that was he considerably younger and not married to the lovely Rabs he could almost qualify to go out with my daughter. Trust me that is a very short list and it just got shorter. The answer to his 0329 text is that at 0329 I want remarkably little from Pizza Express. Ross, my dear ex-friend, at 0329 I require two things - silence and darkness, one of which you removed. I do not require dough balls, thin crusts, Quattro Fromaggi or anything at all from Pizza Express.

Today I have been plotting my revenge. Grumpily plotting revenge. We have samples of all our the amplified mobile phones that we sell and we have SIM cards installed in them, so that if a customer has an enquiry as to any particular function we can talk them through with an identical phone our end. Tonight, when we have finished at Pizza Express we will drop Ross and Rabs back at their house where I am going to temporarily abuse the company's sample stock by leaving three "calling cards" or amplified mobile phones as they are better known around his bedroom. At precisely 0329 I am going to text him to ask him what he would like for breakfast. This condemns me to a second night of being awake at 0329 but I think that upside outweighs the downside. You may think that you have the measure of my monstrous cruelty but there are compounding factors. Unlike Bethan's phone the Geemarc CL8300 and CL8200 are amplified. Very amplified. The CL8300 is classified as the loudest mobile in the world. The Amplicom M6000 is not only very loud it is also hearing aid compatible. These phones are all perfect for people who are hard of hearing and in need of a some amplification. I imagine that they will also be perfect for waking my good ex-friend Ross, his lovely wife Rabs, his gorgeous daughter Purdy and his neurotic spaniel Tatty. I am sorry for the innocent victims but there is rarely a war without some collateral damage. At 0329 tomorrow I will be awake, short of sleep but for once smiling.

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